Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Singing in our own little boat

Today is a TOKAI day.  For those of you who haven't been following, it's a clinical trial appointment in Seattle, where "Subject 101-102" (Terence) gives up tissue samples, blood and there is no such thing as privacy- nothing is out of bounds!

I think what makes these days difficult emotionally is that we are face to face with other cancer patients.  That's hard to see.  Little children, older kids, young moms.....I view them from an emotional aspect: the heart of a mom or grandma and it breaks my heart.  Then I remember that I am there, as a wife. That breaks my heart all over again.  This happens every darn week.  It's taking some major work in me to over come that.

There are times when I share my feelings in a poetic manner, and other times from a philisophical perspective and even though I always try to end with a biblical perspective, the pain never leaves.  That's because there is nothing romantic about illness.  It is brutal, cruel, lonely and terrifying.  You have to understand that anything positive that emerges from this very real experience is not a characteristic of the nature of illness, but of  the grace of God.  Only by Him can our family embrace and face life in the midst of our most trying circumstances, and continue to reach out to help others. 

We choose to sing in our little boat or rather, this life raft.  It's small, flimsy and gives us perpective of life from a very close range.

Yes, cancer is ugly and it's a messy greedy demon bent on theft and destruction, sometimes it's insatiable, it takes apart piece by piece, it's goal is to take the whole.

But somewhere there is a balance, and opportunity for hope. If someone feels better by watching how we handle (or don't handle) this mess and they feel better about their lives, then that's not so bad.
If you are watching us sing from our little life raft, and it encourages you then that's good.  Some days I am an ugly, angry mess, a tearful story tucked behind a pretty face and a strong spirit....not hiding behind a story.  The story is Terence has a bad illness, and we are hoping in a miracle.

Onward ho- Christian soldier!
More later...when we return from Seattle tonight!

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