Saturday August 25, 2012
There are pictures that describe how unraveled and off balance I feel without Terence....but they also paint a picture of mercy and grace....
I spied this photo-op of the day after Terence's celebration of lfe service. I took my sister and my brother (visiting from Hawai'i) to the docks of Gig Harbor.
Much like the angle of this picture, I feel somewhat off balance. Without my partner in life, things look and feel skewed. My insides are empty even amongst loving and caring family. My mind cannot erase the struggle and fight of Terence's last hours- the helplessness and the sorrow I felt for not being able to stop the struggle as it unfolded before my very eyes. I could not find any beauty in those very, very grey hours. I finally stopped praying and started to remind myself (out loud) of God's greatness -which is far above the heaviness and blackness of cancer which was present in the room.
One thing I have learned (unfortunately at such late age) is that gratitude is a powerful spiritual tool that will bring blessing into my life. When I take time to recognize God's presence in every circumstance with thanksgiving, it brings glory.
I am a visual and somewhat creative person so when I think of "glory" I see of an array of colors that paints a visual of God's grace, mercy and majesty.
During those very sad and dark hours- Terence fought throughout the night...the early morning sun peaked through our enormous cedars trees, and Sunday arrived... and Terence went on to meet his Savior. I can only imagine the colors he's experiencing.
But for me stuck here on this earthly plane I am heavy burdened by grief and sorrow. During the next few hours, I cried out to the Lord who I know to be the Lifter of my head. In my heart the blackness of grief was overcome by color.
If you look at our photographs, you will see black because are mourning and grieving deeply. But you will see an intensity of color because the reality of it all is..... Life. Love. Happiness. Grace. Mercy. Laughter. Joy. Christ.
God's desire is that we find peace in all things, but that peace does not come through disappointment or bitterness; it comes through praise. When I exalt Him (lift Him up above the darkness of cancer), He becomes the lifter of my head. In the days ahead of me, this is my prayer. Through the skewed angle of the lens life, there's still color.