Monday, October 1, 2012
The worst and the best
August 31, 2010
by terence (a letter to me)
"Hi my love! I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you! You are a wonderful wife to me, I don't have the words to express my love for you!
When I consider the 'better or worse' vows we made, I realize that your love and care for me has made this 'worse' some of the best days of my life"
I am blessed to read this---he actually considered his worst days some of his best. I guess that was because during his illness we spent every minute of our days together- he relished my company and I his. He didn't need to get sick in order to appreciate our time together. We always have. He compares his cancer fighting days with our fishing trips on the Greys river, our European back backing trip, our visit to Ireland...some of his best times!
His worst days are behind him now. His suffering is over. He faced his "worst day" with fierce courage, fighting to his last breath surrounded by his entire family.
For me though I am living my worst days and my suffering has only just begun... and I can guarantee you that these are not my best days of my life.
Loneliness is a constant companion. Terence and I committed to a lifetime together yet we experienced the marriage vow moment "til death do us part" ...and I find myself alone.
It's been 5 weeks since he died and I find myself living life without exclamation points. Not only do I lack luster in life, I find myself driving slow, moving slow, thinking slow. My life is slo-mo.
Grief is my tireless companion. Just like I was Terence's- but with one exception; I don't enjoy it's company. In the midst of this anguish I find myself wondering if I will have any 'best days' ever again? My heart asks the question how is that even possible? Will I ever enjoy life again?
I am like humpty Dumpty- how can I ever be put back together again?
The Lord in His faithfulness answered me in scripture:
"...and after you have suffered a little while, the God of all Grace who has called you, will himself restore, strengthen and establish you" 1 Peter 5:10,11
I can't see it now but the Lord promises me that I will enjoy life again... after a 'little while'.
That gives me hope.