Monday, October 1, 2012

The worst and the best

I've been reading Terence's journals.  I am enjoying hearing what he thought, what he had to say about various things.  I've decided to begin to share excerpts with you.

August 31, 2010
 by terence (a letter to me)
"Hi my love! I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you! You are a wonderful wife to me, I don't have the words to express my love for you!

When I consider the 'better or worse' vows we made, I realize that your love and care for me has made this 'worse' some of the best days of my life"

My thoughts-
by sherry
I am blessed to read this---he actually considered his worst days some of his best. I guess that was because during his illness we spent every minute of our days together- he relished my company and I his. He didn't need to get sick in order to appreciate our time together.  We always have. He compares his cancer fighting days with our fishing trips on the Greys river, our European back backing trip, our visit to Ireland...some of his best times!

His worst days are behind him now.  His suffering is over.  He faced his "worst day" with fierce courage, fighting to his last breath surrounded by his entire family. 

 For me though I am living my worst days and my suffering has only just begun... and I can guarantee you that these are not my best days of my life.

Loneliness is a constant companion.  Terence and I committed to a lifetime together yet we experienced the marriage vow moment  "til death do us part" ...and I find myself alone.

It's been 5 weeks since he died and I find myself living life without exclamation points.  Not only do I lack luster in life, I find myself driving slow, moving slow, thinking slow.  My life is slo-mo. 

Grief is my tireless companion. Just like I was Terence's- but with one exception; I don't enjoy it's company.  In the midst of this anguish I find myself wondering if I will have any 'best days' ever again? My heart asks the question how is that even possible? Will  I ever enjoy life again?
 I am like humpty Dumpty- how can I ever be put back together again?

The Lord in His faithfulness answered me in  scripture:
"...and after you have suffered a little while, the God of all Grace who has called you, will himself restore, strengthen and establish you"  1 Peter 5:10,11

I can't see it now but the Lord promises me that I will enjoy life again... after a 'little while'.

That gives me hope. 

1 comment:

  1. Sherry: I think of you so often, pray for you so often. I think about how losing a person we love comes in many different forms, many different relationships. But I think about how this loss leaves you alone, as you said.

    Of course, we can answer that you have your family that loves you so much, and that is true. And friends that have made themselves family. Thank God for that - family and adopted family. Because of those people you are not completely alone.

    But when I think of you lately, what I am carrying for you is the knowing that, while you do have people who surround you, you are alone. Alone in your home. Alone in all the rooms in your home. And I think about that, and say prayers for you and feel the real sadness of that.

    I know this post will make you cry. I apologize for that. I also know that there is nothing that doesn't make you cry right now. Looking at your kitchen floor may have memories that will make you cry. So I may as well share these prayers with you.

    Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalms 30:5.

    This has always been one of my favorite verses. We know that the actual night is usually much worse than the day. Things that look huge and terrible in the night often seem at least a little manageable in the day. But what if that night is lasting for a long time? Much longer than 8 or 9 hours? Then what? Oh, that weeping in that long night is so hard. I know it is. The darkness feels overwhelming, and the morning seems ages away.

    Still -- the morning comes. It does. Joy comes in the morning. It does.