|There are many dimensions of grief that lead to healing.|
Sunday October 14, 2012
There are many dimensions of grieving and I am told all are necessary- working through my grief will lead to my healing.
"Eight weeks ago, I watched my best friend die". I survived the death of my husband.
I think I must be the guilt stage" because my mind replays Terence's last few weeks, last few days and his last few hours. I find myself sobbing, telling myself, "I didn't realize how sick he was....and I made him walk to the kitchen to get his own smoothie" How could've I done such a thing? Similar scenarios are played over and over in my mind, shattering my heart all over again. I ask my sisters over and over again (who were present the last few weeks, days and hours) "Did you know he was dying? How come I didn't see it? And I made him get out of bed up until the very last day....".
My mind is playing the 'survivor's guilt' game with my heart. It should've been me. He was the nice one! I failed in the compassionate caregiver department! My mind is recalling my unskilled actions, my forgetfulness, my selfishness and my overly emotional behavior. I should've done more. God, are you sure it wasn't supposed to be me?
My mind is mercilessly berating my heart. The trauma of survival as well as the daily fear of survival has a tendency to be all consuming at this point. To overcome this I have to live every moment of every day with intentional thoughts or else I find myself losing track or truth.
So I survived our cancer journey and he did not.
There is good news though; He is absent in body, but present with the Lord, and I will be comforted by the Lord Himself.