Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Turning a page in time.

Fall 2011
My change of season 

Fall is here.  Summer is over.  No more ice-cold smoothies on a hot afternoon.  My spouse died and my marriage is over. No more vacations together. No more mornings drinking coffee together. No more planning for the future together.

Seasons change. It feels like I am turning a page in a book, moving on to the next chapter of my life.  I go from summer to fall to winter to spring. My life went from single, to married, to widowed.

I barely remember my first night as a widow. I spent the entire night staring into darkness. "Terence? are you really gone?" My thoughts went back and forth all night between replaying my husband's last few hours on earth and planning his memorial service.

My life seems confusing and off balance. As I am moving forward to find some sense of direction, without warning, I can collapse in despair. Perhaps a memory is triggered causing me to instantly fall apart. Then sometimes I don’t care to move on and I just want to wallow in memories of Terence. 

I never know if I am going to go forward or backward each day.

My world is still spinning and I sit waiting for my equilibrium to return. Some days I have to pick myself up and make a decision of what to do next, other days, I just do. Sometimes I don't.

Fall 2012
It feels good to have a few productive days of moving forward and then  all of a sudden I have a few days of back sliding into that familiar place of sorrow. Kind of like a few days of sunshine, after a couple days of rain.  I never quite understood what people meant when they said they had a panic attack. I imagined an anxiousness and fear, but had no idea how debilitating it could be until I became a widow. 

My life has taken a new direction, I am trying to reprioritize it. Every morning I  pray that the Lord will surround me with peace so I can face the day. After all, my life was shattered 7 weeks ago. Now, all I can do is handle one moment at a time. God's peace is helping me along in a forward direction.

And so by His grace I turn a page in time and welcome autumn.




  1. The spirit of Terrence lives in you,he has heard your thoughts ans he's both smiling and also grieving that he isn't with you in the physical.I know he wants you to be happy so i say keep moving on and do the things in life you enjoy,he would want that .You can still talk to him and he will hear you via. meditation and some nights if he hasn't already he will appear in your dreams.Thanks for sharing your story,stay blessed.

  2. My father passed away on September 27th after a thirty month battle. I have been following yours and Terence's blog all these months and so many times it helped me in dark hours--now your blog is helping me help my mom. Thanks for your guidance and honest feelings. As long as we have sons and brothers-the fight will continue. I like to think that Terence and my dad's journey will no doubt save others in the future.