Terence Luttrell-was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer at 46 in July 2009:PSA 431 & Gleason score 9. The diagnosis was advanced stage of the disease; Prognosis:6-18 months to live & came as a complete shock. Terence passed away after fighting for 37 months as the sun rose on Sunday August 19,2012.
Our family is learning how to pass through trying times, allowing it to challenge us in our faith growing in Christ & painstakingly learning how to live above the effects of cancer!
Fall is here.Summer is over. No more ice-cold smoothies on a hot
afternoon.My spouse died and
my marriage is over. No more vacations together. No more mornings drinking
coffee together. No more planning for the future together.
Seasons change. It feels like I am turning a page in a book, moving on to the next chapter of my life. I go from summer to fall to winter to spring. My life went
from single, to married, to widowed.
I barely remember my first night as a
widow. I spent the entire night staring into darkness. "Terence? are you really gone?"
My thoughts went back and forth all night between replaying my husband's last
few hours on earth and planning his memorial service.
My life seems confusing and off
balance. As I am moving forward to find some sense of direction, without
warning, I can collapse in despair. Perhaps a memory is triggered causing me to instantly fall apart. Then
sometimes I don’t care to move on and I just want to wallow in memories of Terence.
I never know if I am going to go forward or backward each day.
My world is still spinning and I sit
waiting for my equilibrium to return. Some days I have to pick myself up and
make a decision of what to do next, other days, I just do. Sometimes I don't.
It feels good to have a few
productive days of moving forward and then all of a sudden I have a few days of back
sliding into that familiar place of sorrow. Kind of like a few
days of sunshine, after a couple days of rain. I never quite understood what people
meant when they said they had a panic attack. I imagined an anxiousness and
fear, but had no idea how debilitating it could be until I became a widow.
My life has taken a new direction, I am
trying to reprioritize it. Every morning I pray that the Lord will surround me with peace so I can face the day. After all, my life was shattered 7 weeks ago. Now, all I can do
is handle one moment at a time. God's peace is helping me along in
a forward direction.
And so by His grace I turn a page in time and welcome autumn.