Friday, November 16, 2012

I don't remember days, I remember moments.

I don't remember days, I remember moments
A lot of our 'moments' were captured on film during the course of our cancer journey.  In grief recovery class, we've been transitioning (for several weeks now) into 'Letting go'. 
They say death ends a life, not a relationshipSo I'm learning how to convert my relationship with Terence from one of presence to one of memory.  So you can see where  the photo journal I kept would be important in my healing.  But the pictures have been hard to look at.

We first started this exercise three weeks ago.  He were asked to use photographs, videos or letters to tell our story.  At first I was excited because I've photo-journaled our entire story from the beginning.
But as I started filtering through pictures, I  found I wasn't ready to look at his 'sick' pictures.  It was overwhelmingly sad for me.  Which meant, I couldn't tell the complete story without those.
So I took my time.

The initial goal in telling my story is to help me identify and understand my grief emotions and work through the grief process instead of going around it.  As I said earlier I couldn't do it at first.  When I began to fashion my inner story (pictorially) it carried me right into the heart of pain.

 I've pretty much avoided Terence's videos and most photos
(especially the 'sick' pics) thinking that circumventing these memories would be better for me.

My biggest question has been 'what kind of relationship do I have with Terence now....?'

 Reflecting the significance of our relationship through videos, pictures, journals and
converting them into legacies are examples of a different form of a continued, 
but different relationship with Terence. 

 The process of beginning to embrace my memories began with embracing
 these memorials (pictures) and offers me the opportunity to affirm the
 value of his life that was lived.

Telling my stories is a part of my healing.  If our world had no stories, we would have no history.
The story of my life with Terence, our fight against cancer, our families struggles and victories will become my new relationship with Terence.  In my mind I hold a conversation, see the sights and hear the sounds, the details surrounding our life.  Each time the story is told it removes one small bit of hurt from inside with me and eases my pain.
 I am learning to cope with the fact that Terence is gone by visiting our memories.
 I am pursuing a new relationship with him.

I am told that this is a slow and painful process that occurs in small steps.  The video I created here would take me an hour or so under normal circumstances, but it took me three weeks to put together. A lot of tears accompanied those three weeks. 
Slowly, these images are becoming precious memories. 
Slowly. Slowly.
And I will begin to embrace these memories as a part of my healing
in a continued, but changed relationship with Terence.

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