Terence Luttrell-was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer at 46 in July 2009:PSA 431 & Gleason score 9. The diagnosis was advanced stage of the disease; Prognosis:6-18 months to live & came as a complete shock. Terence passed away after fighting for 37 months as the sun rose on Sunday August 19,2012.
Our family is learning how to pass through trying times, allowing it to challenge us in our faith growing in Christ & painstakingly learning how to live above the effects of cancer!
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.Ps 94:19
I've dealt with a great amount of anxiety since Terence's initial (terminal) diagnoses in 2009.
In fact, our new normal was learning how to live above the effects of a devastating report.
36 months I cried out to the Lord for peace and strength while I
watched the effects of cancer devastate my husband's body. We prayed. We
believed. And he got sicker and he died.
don't have the answers as to why. I may never find out. Frankly, I
haven't spent much time asking...my energy has been spent trying to
heal. His death took so much from me and all I want is to find
strength and joy again.
The Lord carried me through those 38 agonizing months. There were days I curled up in a fetal position crying out to God "I can't do this!." And right there on the floor in the middle of the living room, the Lord gave me a simple promise: He would strengthen me according to His word. And He did. Day by day- sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute as evidenced in pages and pages of this journal. I suffered greatly. But He gave me the strength to endure and overcome.
But my anxiety level peaked as Terence slipped away telling me, "I'm sorry, but I have to go....."
Joy? No. I have not been experiencing joy. I haven't even prayed for it! All I was doing was crying, asking the Lord to sustain me on a daily basis. 'Be the lifter of my head', I would beg him (I can't lift it myself!). That had been the only prayer I've been able to squeak out of this mealy mouth.
38 months: 2 simple prayers. "Lord strengthen me according to your word" and "Be the Lifter of my head".
In His faithfulness the Lord did
strengthen me. I've walked through this nightmare sometimes dazed, but
strengthened by a sovereign God. And because the pain of losing your
best friend and lover is so great, I begged that He would lift my head-
I just want to get over the devastating pain and be able to hope again.
Surprise of all surprises- little by little He began to lift my head....in doing so, I realized that joy was present! Hmm. I began to think that joy is the by-product of hope (the lifting of our heads).
The Lord is so good. In facing the holidays and my birthday there were
some natural tendencies toward anxiety because they are my 'firsts'
without T. But I promise you, the Lord has answered all prayers we've sent up in that
He is truly sustaining me and has lifted my head. From the fullness of
his grace I have received one blessing after another (Jn 1:16).
opened my eyes this morning I was awakened by the peace of the Lord, without thinking I
slipped my wedding ring off my finger.... another huge step surrounded with
His peace. Wow. I'm speechless. Unless you've been there, you will never understand the pain something like this could bring.