Sunday, November 25, 2012

Hello, Joy

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Ps 94:19

I've dealt with a great amount of anxiety since Terence's initial (terminal) diagnoses in 2009.
 In fact, our new normal was learning how to live above the effects of a devastating report. 

For 36 months I cried out to the Lord for peace  and strength while I watched the effects of cancer devastate my husband's body. We prayed. We believed. And he got sicker and he died.

I don't have the answers as to why. I may never find out. Frankly, I haven't spent much time energy has been spent trying to heal. His death took so much from me and all I want is to find strength and joy again.

The Lord carried me through those 38 agonizing months.  There were days I curled up in a fetal position crying out to God "I can't do this!." And right there on the floor in the middle of the living room, the Lord gave me a simple promise: He would strengthen me according to His word.  And He did. Day by day- sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute as evidenced in pages and pages of this  journal. I suffered greatly.  But He gave me the strength to endure and overcome.

But my anxiety level peaked as Terence slipped away telling me, "I'm sorry, but I have to go....."

Joy? No. I have not been experiencing joy. I haven't even prayed for it!  All I was doing was crying, asking the Lord to sustain me on a daily basis. 'Be the lifter of my head', I would beg him (I can't lift it myself!). That had been the only prayer I've been able to squeak out of this mealy mouth.

38 months: 2 simple prayers.  "Lord strengthen me according to your word" and "Be the Lifter of my head".

In His faithfulness the Lord did strengthen me. I've walked through this nightmare sometimes dazed, but  strengthened by a sovereign God.  And because the pain of losing your best friend and lover is so great,  I begged that He would lift my head- I just want to get over the devastating pain and be able to hope again.

Surprise of all surprises- little by little He began to lift my doing so, I realized that joy was present!  Hmm. I began to think that joy is the by-product of hope (the lifting of our heads).  

Wow. The Lord is so good. In facing the holidays and my birthday there were some natural tendencies toward anxiety because they are my 'firsts' without T. But I promise you, the Lord has answered all prayers we've sent up in that He is truly sustaining me and has lifted my head. From the fullness of his grace I have received one blessing after another (Jn 1:16). 

As I opened my eyes this morning I was awakened by the peace of the Lord, without thinking I slipped my wedding ring off my finger.... another huge step surrounded with His peace. Wow. I'm speechless. Unless you've been there, you will never understand the pain something like this could bring. 

I am still mourning, 
but I am dancing too. 

I am still sad. 
 But there is joy too. 

I don't understand 
this miracle-
But I am grateful for it!


1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Sherry,

    I heard and lived through the pain you were going through as a small support system for my Uncle Danny as he lived with me during the end of Terence's battle. I think of you often, even though we have nver met, and the emotions that you may have each and every day. From what I hear and see, you are a strong beautiful woman, you will make it through this and grow stronger with each day while Terance and The Lord are watching over you and your family. Take care of your health and your beautiful family. :) Michelle