September 23, 2012
My intent is to continue to share our journey- "Living above cancer". You've witnessed three years of Terence and I as well as our children painstakingly learn how to live above the unkindness of cancer and it's effects on our family. We are now left behind to deal with the wreckage of cancer and it's final effect, death. How do we go on living- not just living, but living......moving beyond devastation. My desire is that we will say, "I've been devastated but not destroyed".
|Given to me tonight by Bella|
Devastated-yes, yes I am. But I believe I will find healing in the wings of Christ and in time restoration will come.
Until then I, like any other person who has lost a spouse or loved one and I am afflicted by the results of death; suffering a sorrow so deep- it feels like a surgeons knife slicing through my heart with no anesthesia; I feel deflated and torn, somewhat un-balanced and one dimensional. I have panic attacks (I am told they are called grief spasms) moments (or hours) that seem to come upon me suddenly where I can't stop crying and I re-live Terence's last few days. It's exhausting, horrible and debilitating. I told my best friend "bear with me; even if I start acting crazy, don't de-friend me on facebook, I won't be like this forever".
Terence reminded me many times before he passed away of how strong I am. How able I am to walk through this in the hands of the Lord. And how capable God is in taking care of me. He readied me, prayed for me and prepared me for this day so that one day soon I can rise up out of the ashes, pull off the sack cloth and say "here I am; I was struck down, but not destroyed- thank you Lord".
That's what Terence was all about.