Saturday, July 28, 2012

"Tonight, my heart is broken"- by nadine

July 28, 2012
by his daughter nadine

These last few days have been my breaking point. Please....don't tell me to "have faith", that "it's not over", that "he's not dead.".  I want to scream!!!!! I know all of this, yet I sat at the foot of his hospital bed today and looked in his eyes that he could barely keep open. Eyes that are red and glassy. Eyes that are sunken into a pale saggy face.

I know he's not dead, yet I sat on the floor and held his hand while he slept and in a moment of pain,  he asked me to let go because his pain was so overwhelming that it hurt for his hand to be touched.

My 3 year old asks me very day if Papi is going to die. My 8 year old prays (with his buddy) for Papi to feel better. My 10 year old just gives me extra hugs.


I broke today...I rushed home to the arms of my husband, (my heart cringes because I have a luxury my mom is losing) and cried....wept....wailed into his chest. All I can say is "I don't want pop to die."
Tonight as I lay in bed, I'm fighting the urge to go to my moms house...I just want to touch pop. To tell him I love him. To tell him I'm sorry he has to suffer pain, and weakness, and emotions that come along with it. I want to hug my mom and do something for her, but what can really do to help?
I'm angry, too. I know we live in a "fallen world"....blah blah blah. I can live with the small things...financial struggles, a broken bone, a fight with a friend....but death? Death of my pop? That's too much. Why are we going through this struggle? God, I don't want this one. Please not this one....please not my pop. Please not the kids' Papi. Please not my moms husband. Please not Uncle Dan's ONLY family. This is too much for me. It's too much for Pop.
I don't think there is a hidden "message of hope" in this note....maybe tomorrow, for "His Mercies are new every morning." my heart is too broken tonight.

Alaska, October 2009


7 comments:

  1. Nadine: I am nowhere even close to where are with Terence. He is someone I knew a long time ago and that I still care about today. He is your Pop. And I know how broken into pieces my heart is, just reading these words. I can not pretend to know how much more broken your heart is.
    And I agree with you - all those platitudes do me no good in these most awful times. The best I can do is tell my heart breaks with you, and there are no other words.

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  2. Nadine, thank you for sharing your breaking point - your breaking heart. You, like your mom and pop, are more courageous in being real than you know. I could relate to so much of what you wrote, even though my situation was so different, and my heart weeps with you. I'm so, so sorry you are going through this, and your precious pop, and your whole family. Sending love to you.

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  3. Nadine, my heart breaks for you, I know how hard it is to lose a parent. You are a wonderful daughter, and have done so much for your mom and Terence. It was hard for me to leave tonite (even Sammy didn't want to leave ), it's been hard to see the sadness in Terence's eyes these past few days, but I am praying hard for that sparkle to return tomorrow. Terence's tenacity continues to give me hope, and though sometimes I get a glimpse of what could be, I push it away so as not to become consumed with grief, which will steal precious time. I try and focus on giving all I can over to Terence to add to his fight against this beast of a cancer. Which I know all of us have done over the last few years- and I know that has helped him. He is lucky to have all of you right there by him, it gives him strength- which he really needs right now. Thanks for staying there tonite and for all you do. Love you, will call tomorrow~

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  4. Jeff Sargent & FamilyJuly 29, 2012 at 1:54 PM

    Nadine, thank you for sharing your sorrows. No, words are enough to lessen the pains and tears. No Bible scripture will soften the heartbreaking. Tho I've known your dad since High School.....we went our seperate ways as adults. Until these last few years and FB. And what I have learned is your dad became an even GREATER man then he was in our younger days. I do know your pain and fear, as my mother and our famiy too fought a battle with cancer. What I have learned about Terence over all these years is he (and your mom) did what many of us couldn't do anymore. He raised a loving, strong Christian family with the help of a loving soulmate!! It's totally unfair that this time may be shortened.... but please consider holding on to this one thing I say. Although the body may one day fall away.... the legacy of what was created will NEVER fall away. He gave all you (and many of us)examples, learning and a legacy that can live forever if we let it...AND WE in turn teach it. You HAVE a great dad, you always will. Love your family every day. Do me a favor and give him hug for me. But don't tell him I said this about him...it might go to his head and he'll start working on a movie deal or something! ;-) Love and prayers will forever continue from Wyoming!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you jeff- that was a blessing to hear from your heart.
      Sherry

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  5. My heart aches for all of you. I am Amber's Mom and I lost not only my husband, but sat where you are with both my Mom and Dad. Thank you for your honesty. What your family is going through is beyond words.
    You are in my prayers.
    Jonna Donais

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  6. Hello every one I want to fulfill the promise I made with Dr Omo, that if he help me bring back my ex I will always share his testimony through out that month, is now November again and I will never forget this month Dr really bring back my love and make my love to celebrate Xmas with me and we love and cherish each other more than before, you can contact his email alteroffiretemple@gmail.com, that is if you want to be with your love on Xmas, I believe he can also help you.

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