by his daughter nadine
I know he's not dead, yet I sat on the floor and held his hand while he slept and in a moment of pain, he asked me to let go because his pain was so overwhelming that it hurt for his hand to be touched.
My 3 year old asks me very day if Papi is going to die. My 8 year old prays (with his buddy) for Papi to feel better. My 10 year old just gives me extra hugs.
I broke today...I rushed home to the arms of my husband, (my heart cringes because I have a luxury my mom is losing) and cried....wept....wailed into his chest. All I can say is "I don't want pop to die."
Tonight as I lay in bed, I'm fighting the urge to go to my moms house...I just want to touch pop. To tell him I love him. To tell him I'm sorry he has to suffer pain, and weakness, and emotions that come along with it. I want to hug my mom and do something for her, but what can really do to help?
I'm angry, too. I know we live in a "fallen world"....blah blah blah. I can live with the small things...financial struggles, a broken bone, a fight with a friend....but death? Death of my pop? That's too much. Why are we going through this struggle? God, I don't want this one. Please not this one....please not my pop. Please not the kids' Papi. Please not my moms husband. Please not Uncle Dan's ONLY family. This is too much for me. It's too much for Pop.
I don't think there is a hidden "message of hope" in this note....maybe tomorrow, for "His Mercies are new every morning." my heart is too broken tonight.
|Alaska, October 2009|