Always and now

Terence's hospice nurse was here today.  His ever faithful friend Cead (our chocolate lab) is there checking things out.

Monday, June 25, 2012
by sherry

Always and now

Where do I begin.......it feels like the last three days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) have been scenes from a movie- a drama, comedy and horror movie all combined.

I guess I'll start with the facts. The levels of morphine Terence had been on were too high and had been accumulating in his body for some time- by Saturday morning Terence was confused and delirious.  The entire day was spent chasing him down as he played out the roles of a Russian hunter, a deaf person, a southern slave....our friend 'Jamal' also made an appearance giving me a lesson on the correct way to pronounce "Corn Bread".  He forgot the name of our dog (Cead), calling her "Ruby", "Spot" and "Balzak".... poor dog was confused by the end of the week end.  Being a deaf person meant he needed to communicate with me via sign language (which he doesn't know), but he didn't know that he doesn't know sign language! A better part of my day was spent  deciphering what he was trying to tell me via  his made up sign language.

Oh my.  Do I laugh or cry?

The delirium caught me off guard. It happened upon him so suddenly (but not really) I was shocked when he started thinking our house was going to get bombed.  I mean, only a few hours before, we went on a date, had a nice dinner, discussed long term financial plans......and then boom.  Terence, my husband was no where to be found inside that body of his.  What a scary and lonely place that is.  For both him and me.

 Between trying to keep him from drinking bleach and keeping 'Balzak' (Cead) safe from the 'Russian hunter',  I've had a very tiring week-end.  While in the midst of it I was on an emotional roller coaster- there were times I laughed and laughed, but then there were times I was really sad....missing my husband and thinking if he knew he was behaving like this he'd be mortified.  I was angry at times because this just isn't fair and then fearful because I am alone.  Terence has always been there for me,  been my rescuer and my protector, and it's a scary feeling for me.

So today I am plain tired. And yes, this blog is about me.

Mexico 2008- good memories.

I've been sleeping next to him, just to be sure he doesn't walk out in the middle of the night and I've taken the keys to his gun cabinet and his truck.  My heart is heavy with sorrow for Terence.  I am weary with my sighing.  The burden of grief is invisible but causes a weariness that is draining.   The depression and exhaustion I feel are beyond good advice.

The only thing I have to draw upon is God's grace.  Grace is the overflowing power of God; it's is there for me to draw upon daily.  Because the grace I had yesterday will not do

for today. 

"In much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses" - that is where the test for patience comes.  Accepting the grace of God now.   Prayer is the exercise of drawing on the grace of God.  I have a tendency to say "I will endure this until I can get away and pray".   But I can pray now; draw on the grace of God in the moment of need. Prayer is the most practical thing, it is not the reflex action of devotion. Prayer is the thing in which I've learn to draw on God's grace.  

II Corinthians 12:9
And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.

Grace enables me to make it, no matter what. No matter what obstacles I face. God's incredible grace is there to pick me up, to revive lost hope, to heal broken bones, and to strengthen my weak heart. It is never inadequate, nor is it ever depleted. It never spoils and it has no expiration date.

 His grace is here for me (and you) always, and now.

P.S. He's resting today. Thank goodness he's no longer delirious, just a little confused.  Tomorrow will be even better- we're working out the correct dosages, trying to balance his cognitive state and pain management.  It takes time to figure it all out.   His blood pressure was low today, so I have to keep an eye on that- he's been losing his balance. Rest will help him recover from all this.  I can't wait until tomorrow- he'll wake up and be normal again; my Terence. I miss him.