Monday, May 21, 2012

One of those days.

Meloncholy day
by sherry

Today, I'll admit I need strength. It's one of those days.

Terence & Bella on their prayer rock last summer
We had planned a 3 day getaway to Discovery Bay- but had to  cancel it today; I'd packed our bags as Terence struggled to help me load the was obvious this trip was not a good idea.

So, I've unpacked and we're using his energy to overcome pain in his recliner. We'll spend time together here at home.

I've been reflecting this time last year. I'm glad we took the trips that we did- we spent a week at the cabin at Mt. Ranier with the three grand kids.  Terence and Bella took their annual hike up to their prayer rock at the waterfalls (they've visited rock every year since she was three); the five of us ran through mountain meadows and sledded down the snowy hills on inner tubes, we climbed over the 'down-fall' over the creek, roasted marshmallows,  played games...all of this took strength and energy that Terence no longer has.

This is enough to break my heart when I really think about it, so I  usually keep my mind pre-occupied, except this is the time of year we usually get cabin fever and plan some kind of brief getaway.  It saddens my heart so much to think that we can't do this.  So much has changed. 

Sometime in the wee hours this morning I rolled over in bed looking for Terence, only to remember that he can no longer sleep with me.  For a mili-second I got really angry. I got up and checked on Terence out in the living room. I ended up getting my blanket and pillow and slept on the couch so I could at least be in the same room. At about 8 am, I took my blanket and slept kneeling on the side of his recliner so I could have my head near his chest. Pathetic I know, but what can I say.

I don't like where the days seem to be heading,  but someone wise once wrote that there is a way that "seems",  but in the end it leads to death. So I don't want to think about what seems to be unfolding and I will continue to hope against hope.

I suppose I am grieving a loss. Of vacations with the kids, the loss of our vigor and the loss of creative energy Terence has always had.  Being a recreation director for almost 20 years, Terence was a 'licensed professional' in the field of recreation (funny, huh?)-------this is the loss I am grieving today.  I am just sad.

So....I know this is a depressing post today.  But don't cry, I don't want to make any one sad today. God is gracious and will strengthen me, probably even before I finish posting this. I am finding that we need the strength of the Lord and wisdom of the Father just to get through our days - thankfully the Lord is faithful and helps us through because of the many prayers and support of our friends and family.

A thoughtful picture taken by my friend Rona.
 Our hospice nurse just contacted us- evidently we'll be using that "Comfort Kit" she dropped off last week- liquid morphine.

So, "Living Above Cancer" means to overcome the debilitating thief today.  Maybe a quiet candle lit dinner for Just T and I.......on the TV trays.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs, prayers, and a heartfelt thanks for sharing each turn of your difficult journey.