Sunday, August 14, 2011

An insane amount of insomnia!

A caregivers problem? Totally insane at times.

An insane amount of insomnia!  Afraid to sleep.  Ok, Im not exactly afraid to sleep but I am afraid to wake up. The reason for this is that when I first wake up I feel like like I am living in slow motion for much of the day.  The things I face today are the same things I faced yesterday........

I kind of fear the next day and what it will bring: the same thing. The insanity of living in slow motion. 

Maybe I should say I am afraid to start the day again over and over and over. The cancer's not going away and we're still dealing with all aspects of an insane disease.

Cancer can do that to a family. Bring total insanity! Everything is magnified, slowed down, and blown out of perspective because all we tend to think about is the cancer. Living fully in the present every day takes some practice. It can get boring if you're not used to it.

Its a rather restless feeling of insanity, like having no idea what to do with myself.  Somewhere in this stupid diagnoses, I lost my sense of self. 

Living above cancer..... when you are above a circumstance, the view (perspective) is much clearer.  

From that view, I can now see that living in slo-mo is good, even a blessing

Do you know what I had the time to do today?  Make pinata's  and giant lolipops with my grown daughter (her daughter turns 3 this week and we're getting ready for her party!).  My other two grand kids ran errands with my husband, blasting the radio and singing "Sherry baby" all the way through town, big smiles and cracking up all the way. Dinner followed and kisses goodnight, until we can do it all again tomorrow.

A few years ago, that wouldn't have been the picture.  As a busy General manager of a Seattle based- retail franchise,  I oversaw 3 corporations, 8 companies as well as being a franchise Broker.  I was rarely home and always stressed. The same with my husband- Pastoring & home building.  We were both on track (to what?) and very busy. Very often, we'd pass each other on the interstate going in opposite directions at odd times.  We'd go days without being able to  eat a meal together.  We were both so sad about that, but not sure how to change it.   

But cancer stopped everything. Literally.
 Insane, but true.

During those busy and stressful  times I prayed desperately that T and I would have our time back together and have our grand kids near us to run errands with their 'Papi' and do crafts and spend the night with us.  well~ here we are. Prayer answered. Cancer still sucks, but even in the worst of worst situations,  God can bring sanity where insanity presides.

Still not sure about tomorrow, but I know I don't have to fear it.  I'll take it, over and over and over gain.

(So this little lecture of mine (to myself) should help me with tonight's case of insomnia). It is currently 2:55 AM. so I should sleep well, because tomorrow I am spending the day with our grand kids, and going to plan a week at the cabin with them and my husband and plan a birthday party with both my daughters. 

while I will not give cancer the credit for slowing our lives down, I will certainly appreciate the consequences of it, and I will say "thank-you Lord for slowing us down,  simplifying our lives and bringing us together and bringing us some sense of sanity"

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