Even after he is gone.

I've been reading Terence's journals.  I am enjoying hearing what he thought, what he had to say about various things.  I've decided to begin to share excerpts with you.

May 2006
by terence

"Sherry spoke in her sleep last night.  She was talking to God asking Him to bless me, honor me and answer my prayers. 

She continued to casually, yet intimately converse with God about me. I can't quite put my thought to paper. It felt like Sherry was talking to a friend.  I know God is my friend but I don't think I've conversed with the Lord like how I heard Sherry pray.  Amazing. I am blessed and I am challenged.  Do I speak freely and intimately with God?".


My thoughts-
by sherry

I love how some of the smallest things in life challenged him.  He didn't need big, earth shaking instances to search his heart and to make necessary changes in his life.  I admired that in him.

It seems that I may be the opposite.  Stubborn and strong willed, only earth shaking experiences seem to catch my attention as reflected in reading through Terence's journal, he would usually add "I hope Sherry understands this" when reflecting on the answers to some of our life's circumstances.

Widowhood is earth shaking.  I'm not liking it.  It scares me.  When looking at my bills,  taxes, insurance (life, health, car, etc) coverages,  I think "I can't do this".  I see winter coming and think "How can I face winter alone"?  I am challenged to the max. 

But Terence wrote letters to me that I am reading only now; "You can do this Sherry, I believe in you. Let yourself be challenged. You'll grow from it. Don't be afraid.  The Lord's grace is here for you.  He'll help you. I hope you understand this; His grace is sufficient for you. You can make it."

Times like today (first time grocery shopping for 'one'.... I broke down and cried in the store. So I left),  I'm glad he thought of ways to encourage me even after he was gone.    He was such an encourager.  Thank you for reminding me, Terence. 

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is 

 made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about 

my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” –2 Corinthians 12:9

Don't de-friend me

By Sherry
September 23, 2012

Hi everyone- just  briefly journaling tonight.  It's not my intent for this become a 'widow's blog'- even though technically that's what I am and I'm the one writing..........

My intent is to continue to share our journey- "Living above cancer".  You've witnessed  three years of Terence and I as well as our children painstakingly learn how to live above the unkindness of cancer and it's effects on our family.  We are now left behind to deal with the wreckage of cancer and it's final effect, death.  How do we go on living- not just living, but living......moving beyond devastation. My desire is that we will say, "I've been devastated but not destroyed".

Given to me tonight by Bella

Bear with me.  I am far from that place right now but I've made that my goal from the very beginning. Cancer may think that it had the last word, but death had no sting on Terence (he's in a better place) and the grave- well, it is my desire to heal so completely in the hands of my Lord that I will be able to say that the grave has no victory over me. 

Devastated-yes, yes  I am. But I believe I will find healing in the wings of Christ and in time restoration will come.

Until then I, like any other person who has lost a spouse or loved one and I am afflicted by the results of death; suffering a sorrow so deep- it feels like a surgeons knife slicing through my heart with  no anesthesia; I feel deflated and torn, somewhat un-balanced and one dimensional.  I have panic attacks (I am told they are called grief spasms) moments (or hours) that seem to come upon me suddenly where I can't stop crying and I re-live Terence's last few days. It's exhausting, horrible and debilitating.  I told my best friend "bear with me; even if I start acting crazy, don't de-friend me on facebook, I won't be like this forever".

Terence reminded me many times before he passed away of how strong I am. How able I am to walk through this in the hands of the Lord.  And how capable God is in taking care of me.  He readied me, prayed for me and prepared me for this day so that one day soon I can rise up out of the ashes, pull off the sack cloth and say "here I am; I was struck down, but not destroyed- thank you Lord".

That's what Terence was all about. 

The hurt and the healer collide

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide


Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here........  (by Mercy Me)

And the Lord said to Moses, “For you have found favor in My sight, and I have known you by name.”  Then Moses said, “I pray, show me your glory!”  And He said, “I Myself will make all My goodness pass before you, and will proclaim the name of the Lord before you; and I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show compassion on whom I will show compassion” (Exodus 33:17-19).

Our prayer is that the Lord will show us His glory, even here- in the death of Terence.
Amen.