Monday, September 13, 2010

I have to learn how to "live well” without Terence being cured.

Terence has had two good days in a row thank God! Saturday evening was horrible, but he slept well and Sunday was a good day for him.

We are still adjusting his diet: he needs a little more fat added to it, so his body can absorb the TOK-001. But we have to be careful with the types of fat, because he has gallstones and the OK-001 already puts stress on his liver, so it’s a balancing act- try it and see- type of time right now.

With the greater absorption of TOK-001 comes greater nausea. He is nauseated more often now, so I assume he is absorbing the medicine, which is good. Just have to deal with the nausea!

His pain meds. situation- well, is pretty much the same. He gets a systemic itch from oxycodone and morphine, even though he has increased the prescription strength antihistamine. So, we are doing the try-it and see- routine with ibuprofen and other combinations.

Trying to live above cancer has been a new challenge. I have finally learned how to live with it. It seems like Terence got cancer overnight, so accepting it has been hard to face up to. It has taken me  at least 12 months for me to be able to wake up and say “Terence has cancer, and it has changed our lives forever- OK, so what do we do about it today?”

Living above it is something else. For me, it’s getting to a place where it doesn’t negatively affect me & our entire family- I am learning how to say, “Ok- so Terence has cancer, what will do for us, not to us?” I am not quite there yet.

Some days I feel bullied by this cancer and that makes me angry.

Some days I feel overwhelmed by the cancer, and that makes me sad.

It’s not only the big things that get to me. In fact, it’s usually the plain old everyday details in life- that are the most difficult for me. These become the breeding ground for fatigue & depression.

I have to learn how to "live well”
without Terence being cured.

It feels like a lonley  journey.



  1. I know it feels lonely, None of us can truly know how you feel. But we are all here surrounding both you and Terence. Draw from our strength to replenish yours. We love you both and are all praying for the cancer to be healed. It will. And you guys will be back enjoying life without this burden. I Believe this to be true. God has great plans for Terence.

  2. It does feel lonely, not sure why. I know that I am surrounded with a really supportive family. I guess I haven't been drawing strength from that though.
    Terence rests a lot and I feel alone. It's a different relationship than I am used to. I don't get mad and I don't really want to go anywhere, I am just having a hard time adjusting to the new dynamic of our relationship. It's different for me, and I need to learn how to live well inspite of the cancer. I just don't know how to enjoy living with out Terence being there with me! Weird.
    Thanks for everything.

  3. I know how that is- John and I spend all our time together too- I would feel the same. Maybe you could find a hobby to do at home while he's resting- so that you're time is filled until he wakes- but you're still there with him... Maybe you should take up painting- I could totally see you doing that and it might be cathartic. I have an easel you could have, and a really good instructional book you could use...Time passes really fast when you're engrossed in something like that...

  4. In my view, living with cancer in my family, it really has changed alot of things in complete retrospect these past few years. When my uncle went into what is called "pre-cancerous" blood, and it was all over his entire body, it was a huge "shock" to our family. Then learning what Sherry and Terence is going thru, it hasn't been easy there. Finally finding out that my uncle now is batteling leukemea, and is at The Jon Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake, Utah, we have just learned that most likely he will never be able to come back to Wyoming. Got to see about that. (Knowing his dispotition, and attitude.) I have a feeling that he could finish up here in Wyoming, before he goes to his parent's and one brother that no one has seen in over 30-40 years. He is accepting the fact, he is having to live with what he has. Times it is easy, and we are able to communicate with him. But there has been some tough times, and it is like he is "pushing" away from family. This is something that can really bring not only the person down that is dealing with the cancer, but also the spouse, sibiling(s), children, grandchildren, and all those that are involved. My family is always hoping and praying for a cure, and there needs to be hope for everyone that is involved. In all reallity, what it narrows down to is this. Finding out who is going to stick with you, on this, and who won't. That is the truth I have found out on our turf with my family. But, yet, I will always set aside some praying and hoping time for Terence. Looking at everything as a hole, there are some lessons learned thru this, and we all need to help each family member out. That is also with other families, such as Terence and Sherry. With that being said, I am always keeping positive thoughts, prayers, and love being sent to these two. Love you both Terence and Sherry.