The most I ever did for you is outlive you....

I was not prepared to be left behind.  For what ever reason, both Terence and I assumed that (not only would we grow old together) but that I would 'go' first.  And yet, here I am coping with aloneness.

Outliving Terence was never a part of my plan.

I am alone. I am lonely, but when our grief counselor asked us today "if you were asked to decide between being the cause for sorrow, or accepting the sorrow of loss, which would you choose"?

I visited an old thought.  When Terence was alive- throughout the last 36 months (up until his last 2 weeks) we would have conversations like this:

 Me:       "I wish it was me, not you".
Terence: "No, I'm glad it's me and not you".
Me:         "but I hate seeing you suffer. You know, if it was possible I would willingly be the one to
                have the cancer instead of you".
Terence: "well then if that was possible, I would take it back"....

...and on it went, us telling one another that we would gladly give our life for the other.

Living in the moment we were focused on the one who was dying. But neither of us were thinking about the one left behind.   It is we, instead of our loved one who is experiencing the sorrow.  It is , in a way our gift to that person.  I guess we had it backwards.

"We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord"

2 Corinthians 5:8

I think Terence got the 'good side' of goodbye...

I am here to go on, 
to carry on the legacy of our relationship
into the generations ahead 
making bright our memories in their lives.