Tomorrow would be a great day for a miracle.

Reading "When someone I love is sick" with my Annie bug.

by sherry

Today was very long and heart breaking day; many tears- some from sadness and some from gratefulness for the moment. Terence was in and out of consciousness and completely unable to do things for himself (swallow, eat, drink for starters)- it's taking a small village (our family) to keep up with the needs on this one household dealing with end stage cancer.

Teaching three sisters how to use a morphine pump.

My sisters, Brook and Charla. I don't have the words. Both are here 24/7 waiting on Terence hand and foot- guessing- "does he want water? do you think he wants ice cream?" (he is losing his ability to speak) they feed him once they figure it out wha he wants. That's not even the messy side of care giving, but they're there for that too.

My brothers in-laws.... John and Dave. They spent the past few days here fixing stuff and making stuff easier for Terence. even though hospice said Terence wouldn't be up and about (bed bound) they re-vamped the shower and bathroom to make it easier for me to help him take a shower.  They fixed electrical outlets, my doors, installed dimmers...they've been busy helping to make life a little easier around here. Dave reset all my clocks and figured out the remote control for me.

Our daughter Nadine laying with Pop

 The past few days have been gruesome.  Watching Terence try to accomplish some of the simpler things like swallowing his pills, or even water. He breaks down and weeps sometimes because  he knows and he gets mad or really sad.  When he cries my heart breaks into a bajillion pieces.  By the end of two or three weeping sessions of his, I usually go someplace he can't see me and I cry. Really hard.  If he sees me crying, he tries to console me. He whispers, "shhhhh" and tries to reach for my face.  My heart actually hurts.

 The hospice nurse had to come today since Terence can't swallow his pills- so the  morphine pump was introduced.
We three sisters were schooled on the pump. His massage therapist came by and massaged him.  Then she went out to her car and brought her table in, set it up next to Terence's bed and gave me massage. I couldn't stop crying.

The biggest heartbreak of all is the fact that his kidney by-pass is blocked (again)- after 4 procedures (3 last week) a 5th is not really an option.  It would be really difficult for his body to take another insult to it.  I had to decide not to take Terence (via) ambulance back to the hospital for another procedure.   This has to be the third or forth decision I've made this week regarding his medical care and life. I don't have the words to describe to you how hurtful this is to my heart, how lonely it is to make such a big decision without Terence being a part of it.There is no way to describe this feeling.

I speak to him- and tell him I am fighting for him. I tell him I am not giving up. I read scriptures to him and remind him that together he and I invited Jesus into our marriage and  I let him know that he is not fighting by himself, he is not alone, I am always by his side and better yet, I remind him that Jesus will never leave him or forsake him.  He finds comfort in this and so do I.  He constantly looks for me. I lay by his side and he sleeps more soundly. he furrows in his brow disappears when he knows I am near. When I am not there, I ask one of our children to lay next to him.

After such a heart-rending day- I ended the evening by helping him up and giving him a shower; though he has a bath aide I know that as long as he can do this with my help he feels better and has a sense of accomplishment.   A shower took tremendous effort on his part- but he still insisted on brushing his teeth  (standing at the sink) and then combing his hair. Wow!   I put his glasses on (first time in a week) I smiled and said "wow, you look really handsome!" He gave me that  grin of his and winked at me, Wow.  My heart skipped a beat- just as it did on our first date.

We renewed our vows 2 days ago....

As I tucked him into bed Brook turned the on the TV and then for the first time in weeks he tuned into what was happening on TV (Shark week).  He whispered to me, "look at the 18 foot shark" He hasn't been able to focus, read, write or be overstimulated by the noise of the TV so what a surprise when he commented on it.  Even though the window was a brief one,  it filled my heart with hope.

Soon after (about 10 minutes) he was sound asleep.  Comfortable and cool.  I pray each night (all night long) that tomorrow will be a stronger day.

Tomorrow would be a great day for a miracle.