Saturday August 25, 2012
by sherry
There are pictures that describe how unraveled and off balance I feel without Terence....but they also paint a picture of mercy and grace....
I spied this photo-op of the day after Terence's celebration of lfe service. I took my sister and my brother (visiting from Hawai'i) to the docks of Gig Harbor.
Much like the angle of this picture, I feel somewhat off balance. Without my partner in life, things look and feel skewed. My insides are empty even amongst loving and caring family. My mind cannot erase the struggle and fight of Terence's last hours- the helplessness and the sorrow I felt for not being able to stop the struggle as it unfolded before my very eyes. I could not find any beauty in those very, very grey hours. I finally stopped praying and started to remind myself (out loud) of God's greatness -which is far above the heaviness and blackness of cancer which was present in the room.
One thing I have learned (unfortunately at such late age) is that gratitude is a powerful spiritual tool that will bring blessing into my life. When I take time to recognize God's presence in every circumstance with thanksgiving, it brings glory.
I am a visual and somewhat creative person so when I think of "glory" I see of an array of colors that paints a visual of God's grace, mercy and majesty.
During those very sad and dark hours- Terence fought throughout the night...the early morning sun peaked through our enormous cedars trees, and Sunday arrived... and Terence went on to meet his Savior. I can only imagine the colors he's experiencing.
But for me stuck here on this earthly plane I am heavy burdened by grief and sorrow. During the next few hours, I cried out to the Lord who I know to be the Lifter of my head. In my heart the blackness of grief was overcome by color.
If you look at our photographs, you will see black because are mourning and grieving deeply. But you will see an intensity of color because the reality of it all is..... Life. Love. Happiness. Grace. Mercy. Laughter. Joy. Christ.
God's desire is that we find peace in all things, but that peace does not come through disappointment or bitterness; it comes through praise. When I exalt Him (lift Him up above the darkness of cancer), He becomes the lifter of my head. In the days ahead of me, this is my prayer. Through the skewed angle of the lens life, there's still color.
You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
(Psalm 3:3).
When I lost my dad one thing we all imagined is this. The weather is perfect. No rain, snow hail or any tornadoes. Nothing of the sort. Yet for the ones that are still here we all will sad for a while. But from what we all learned from one lady here an it has helped all of us. When there is a rainbow in the sky and dad's favorite animal on the ground he is reminding us that he is watching and in my case I better be good. Love you. Time will slowly help make things better.
ReplyDeleteSherry, please let us help you with your heavy burdens, let go of the pain and do see how very helpful you and T have been on this road. We can CERTAINLY say he BULLDOZED the path for all those who will travel behind you!!!! :) Thank you so very much, I KNOW you have helped other caregivers and family, may this too lessen your load. God Bless you. Robert and Doreen Glotzer
ReplyDeleteYour heart, words, and spirit are beautiful. You have a gift with words and the light of Christ shines bright as you share your heart.
ReplyDeleteSherry: Color is so powerful. When NASA first started sharing pictures from waaay out in space, I was astounded at the COLORS. Somehow, without even realizing it, I thought everything in space was sort of white, or silver, against the black sky. Like we see it from earth. Instead, the colors are phenomenal. We just can't see them from here.
ReplyDeleteI pray you can keep breaking through cancer's blackness and seeing the glorious colors. No doubt there will be black times, but the colors are yours, also. The amazing, glorious, phenomenal colors.
This is so beautiful and articulate - and understandably sorrowful, Sherry. I so resonate with what you write about gratitude, and I have found this to be the most powerful tool I possess, though it's also taken me years to understand this (or begin to practice it daily). What a beautiful heart you have. I will continue to bring you and your family before the Lord in this journey of grief in the days and months to come. Love to you.
ReplyDelete