May I simply keep moving forward.

by sherry
The journey of grief is one that I ultimately decided to complete. Because time moves forward, and so must I. 

I remember (not long ago) when this statement brought a lot of anxiety to my heart. And seeing that everyone was moving forward with life was painful for me. It would sometimes make me angry-  because I was stuck in a painful time warp where nothing seemed real (especially his death).  My days ran into one another and I definitely could not see past the moment.  Great grief was making it so I couldn't transcend time.

 But God's Word is always going forward.  And I need to also. I figured that I need to get into the flow in the unforced rhythms of God's grace...  and together with the coping skills I'm gaining from grief recovery and the grace and strength that come only from Him, I can......I can move forward too!  

That was a conscious decision about a month ago. I intentionally began to detach myself from the need of Terence's presence and focused on building a newer relationship with him- one founded on memories and legacy. There's a richness there that far outweighs remaining in the pain of his absence.

I still have some tough times at (they are fewer now, but I still have them), I have begun anew. I am focusing my attention towards new explorations and beginning to make prayerful and informed choices about my future.  Wow, That's big!

I began a new journal on my Birthday, November 25th  (anyone who knows me, knows my journey's are documented...new challenges arise, marking a milestones).  My daughter Nadine gave me a valuable gift on that day- one that encouraged me in new beginnings. A new challenge.

In Philippians 3:14 Paul says that he moved forward toward "the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (NASB). The Christian life is not static. It's a walk with God that moves you forward into a larger life with God.  In my journal, my daughter started the first page for me. She wrote;
"....as you begin this new life though it's not one you wold have ever asked for, the Lord is still in control..."  and she encouraged me to continue to trust in the Lord as I do this.

The Lord's plan for my new life is pure and simple: Don't lose my grip on honor and loyalty;continue to trust the Lord with all my heart; listen for His voice in everything; seek His wisdom; and honor Him with everything I own. Truely, a Father's delight for His daughter (me!) is behind this!

Lord, may I simply keep moving forward, walking with You. Take my hand and guide me. Thank you....I am experiencing a miracle....a broken heart healing!

Hello, Joy

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Ps 94:19

I've dealt with a great amount of anxiety since Terence's initial (terminal) diagnoses in 2009.

 In fact, our new normal was learning how to live above the effects of a devastating report. 

For 36 months I cried out to the Lord for peace  and strength while I watched the effects of cancer devastate my husband's body. We prayed. We believed. And he got sicker and he died.

I don't have the answers as to why. I may never find out. Frankly, I haven't spent much time asking...my energy has been spent trying to heal. His death took so much from me and all I want is to find strength and joy again.

The Lord carried me through those 38 agonizing months.  There were days I curled up in a fetal position crying out to God "I can't do this!." And right there on the floor in the middle of the living room, the Lord gave me a simple promise: He would strengthen me according to His word.  And He did. Day by day- sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute as evidenced in pages and pages of this  journal. I suffered greatly.  But He gave me the strength to endure and overcome.

But my anxiety level peaked as Terence slipped away telling me, "I'm sorry, but I have to go....."

Joy? No. I have not been experiencing joy. I haven't even prayed for it!  All I was doing was crying, asking the Lord to sustain me on a daily basis. 'Be the lifter of my head', I would beg him (I can't lift it myself!). That had been the only prayer I've been able to squeak out of this mealy mouth.

38 months: 2 simple prayers.  "Lord strengthen me according to your word" and "Be the Lifter of my head".

In His faithfulness the Lord did strengthen me. I've walked through this nightmare sometimes dazed, but  strengthened by a sovereign God.  And because the pain of losing your best friend and lover is so great,  I begged that He would lift my head- I just want to get over the devastating pain and be able to hope again.

Surprise of all surprises- little by little He began to lift my head....in doing so, I realized that joy was present!  Hmm. I began to think that joy is the by-product of hope (the lifting of our heads).  

Wow. The Lord is so good. In facing the holidays and my birthday there were some natural tendencies toward anxiety because they are my 'firsts' without T. But I promise you, the Lord has answered all prayers we've sent up in that He is truly sustaining me and has lifted my head. From the fullness of his grace I have received one blessing after another (Jn 1:16). 

As I opened my eyes this morning I was awakened by the peace of the Lord, without thinking I slipped my wedding ring off my finger.... another huge step surrounded with His peace. Wow. I'm speechless. Unless you've been there, you will never understand the pain something like this could bring. 

I am still mourning, 
but I am dancing too. 

I am still sad. 
 But there is joy too. 

I don't understand 
this miracle-

But I am grateful for it!

~Sherry

His absence is still what I come home to

I would give anything to have Terence lay beside me in bed again.                                                                                                        I have to be honest, my last post was great; it was all about me learning how to convert my relationship with Terence from being a relationship of  "presence" to a relationship of memories.                                                                                                                  Well surprise!  I'm not there yet!  I need a hug from him right now more than anything.  I'm facing the most tragic moments in my life without the one person who can physically comfort me.  Pictures are bringing no comfort at the moment. 

This yearning for Terence is too painful.  It's so.......acute. There's no other way to describe it.  No matter how busy I make myself, his absence is still what I come home to. How, how, how does one ever get used to that?

Do I accept my Terence's death?  I know he's gone.  Sometimes I cry "come back, I need you" .  Then I say, "I know you can't, but I want you to anyway."  It's my protest against a very big reality.  I was with Terence when he died, at home, in a hospital bed in our bedroom, in my arms.  He's definitely gone.  

I can only think of one thing.  I need to find comfort elsewhere:    

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Ps 147:3

                                                        Thank you Lord.

 

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/20-encouraging-bible-verses-for-the-brokenhearted/#ixzz2CiuyhwW0