Heartache is when your love have no where to go

"Heartache happens when your love have no where to go"

I miss his smiling eyes

Last night I cried myself to sleep.  I had a great day and even went to be feeling at peace but woke up at about 3:30- my mind replaying Terence's last hours.  I tossed and turned- shutting my eyes tightly as if that would make the images go away... and the images brought on powerful surges of grief. 

Someone recently said "Heartache happens when your love have no where to go".  I can attest to that.  I miss Terence so much.  He's gone.  I can no longer reach out and hug him....it feels like my love has no where to go.

However, I discovered something new today. 
There is a love that is driven by compassion and it does have somewhere to go. 

I went shopping today- the cashier asked me if I wold like to make  donation to the American Cancer Society .  I said "Of course............my husband recently passed away from cancer".  The young man standing behind me joined in our conversation- he said " I'm so sorry to hear about your husband......I just got my test results back- I am now 2 years with No Evidence of Disease (NED)".  He told me that he has been fighting stomach cancer since he was 22. He is now 26. I have a son his age.

I started to cry.  Not because Terence had died, but because this young man had lived.  I was overwhelmed with emotion appreciating what it takes for someone to battle cancer.  Without thinking, I reached out and hugged him and said "I am so happy you are alive!!!"

He started to cry.  

Later he told me that he has no family and his wife left him when he was diagnosed. He had faced the journey entirely alone.  He was touched by what I did because there had been no one who appreciated his fight, or his life. 

I genuinely celebrated this young man's life with a hug.  I guess my love does have somewhere to go.

I can't explain what happened inside of me- but when I got home my heart ached less.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn". 

Romans 12:15

 

Grief work

Terence and his dog Cead, October 2011

 Lately, my days are quiet and lonely- filled with all the emotions related to grief and mourning; denial, loneliness, confusion, helplessness, guilt, anxiety, disappointment, anger, sadness, resentment, inadequacy, fear, envy, depression, pain, dread, bitterness, loss, anguish, dismay, sorrow, apathy, distrust, lack of control.......my emotions have been  intense, draining, and hard to hold back; they are tangled up inside of me and run deep. 

I am attending grief recovery groups a couple of times a week.  Seems like a valuable investment of my time.  There are several new widows and together we are simultaneously doing our grief work.  There are also several women who have been widows any where from 5 to 9 years that have never (until now) joined a group but had figured they could work through the mourning process alone...and they are stuck. In grief...THAT ALONE makes me want to make sure I give the grieving process it's due season- to attend to the sorrow and sadness; address the angry feelings and overcome all the fears.  The last place I want to be in 5 years is exactly where I'm at now.

 The only remedy for grief, is to grieve.

Grief is a journey and from what I've observed (in my few short weeks as a widow )- is that it can be perilous if you don't understand it's power and work through it.

Looking at this chart and evaluating my emotional state, I'm somewhere between the "Shock" and "feelings of loss" but transitioning into "needing to let go".

Sometimes I feel normal and think I am doing well then something happens. I received a phone call (insurance stuff) from a very nice but confused lady on the other end. It seems I filled out the form(s) in a rather confusing manner. To be honest, I don't even remember filling it out I've been so disoriented. "Did you get re-married?" she asks. "No----oh no, no, no....." says I. "Oh, okay-the 'married box' was checked"(I have difficulty dealing with that stupid box!)...she goes on; "Did he pass away this year?" .  "Yes....(what did I do now?)". I sighed. "I thought so" she said patiently- "but you marked down 2010"...and it went on;  'yes' instead of 'no's', wrong signatures or no signatures, a page missing... by the time she was done asking her questions I wondered how I even got that that thing mailed out. And I felt sorry for her!

I'm so disoriented.  I'm getting  my mail returned to me- it seems I am sending off the wrong checks/letters to the wrong address, or at least putting them in the wrong envelopes.  It's a crazy time, and boy do I miss Terence in the midst of all this.

Halloween parties at school today

 
Fortunately Terence was a very diligent husband and prepared me well for his absence.  We talked and prayed about everything; spiritual, emotional and financial which is providing me the freedom to grieve and not have unnecessary worries. 

 
My grief work is simple but not easy.  Here's my agenda for a typical day:
My days are spent trying to:

•  greet the day (some days I can't).
• accept the crying (most days I do).
• deepen my faith (read my bible, go to church).
• keep a journal (write, write,write!)
• walk each day (even if it's just to the mailbox:)
• surround myself with a support network (church, grief recovery groups,etc)
• postpone some decisions (I already failed this one: I cut 20 inches of my hair off right after he passed away!)
• live in the present (This is the most difficult for me, because Terence is not here in the present with me).
• venture out alone (I have coffee or breakfast by myself, go the the library or shopping several times a day).

It sounds so simple, but living " intentionally" is so exhausting- and it takes a lot of thought and inner effort..........

Fortunately, the 'real grief work' that I do is not work at all.  I ultimately rest in the Lord.

 “Come to me, all of you who are struggling and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

  

            "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. 

All that we love deeply becomes a part of us" ~ Hellen Keller.

I tend to dread the trials in my life.

Over the past three years (36 months- not mistakenly the same period of time we fought cancer)  I have been exploring how God teaches me humility through difficult circumstances (or trials).

The tumultuous waves leaves me with sand in my pants.

I tend to dread the trials in my life: conflicts with other people, physical limitations and sickness, lack of money or other resources, weaknesses, dealing with sinful habits, etc. I tend to think that my life will be better if I have fewer trials and more comfort.

 I want to consider a different attitude toward such circumstances. If pride is my greatest enemy and humility my greatest friend, then circumstances that lead to humility are also my friend.

Making peace with my limitations/weaknesses is an expression of humility.
In many ways have I have come face-to-face with own limitations.

 I've realized that:
•   I can’t do the things I used to do physically...aging is real.
 •  I can't control my children.
•   I can't control cancer.
•   I can’t handle all the circumstances that surround me (work, home, church, friendships, etc.).

When my limitations are exposed, it would be a huge mistake to think, “If I just try harder and seek God more, I won’t have these limitations.”

There is a place for trying harder and for seeking God more.  But our goal in life isn’t to get so strong and competent and “together” that we no longer have limitations or weaknesses. That’s not going to happen.  Our limitations aren’t a curse. They’re an opportunity to learn humility.  They are a God-given reminder that He is omni-everything and we are omni-nothing.

I am making peace with my limitations. 2 Corinthians 12:9. Jesus said this to Paul-
"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me".

Sherry