Frustrated

Chemo today.

April 16, 2012
by sherry

How much? How much? How much can one person take?
Don't answer me, I already know the answer- I just had to vocalize the question out of shear frustration for Terence.

Lab work and chemo went well this morning.  We were both happy that he could re-start chemotherapy for pain management. His pain levels have increased to the point he has been at a permanent level 6.  So chemo today was good.

However last nite, as I was flushing Terence's nuphrostomy tubes (kidney by-pass), I noticed it was leaking at the incision site (see graphic ) when I flushed it with saline.  That's not a good sign- that could only mean the tube has puled away from his kidney, which could put him in renal failure again (since it is his only functioning kidney).

By the time I was able to draw attention to this (during chemo) by having Eric help me to test  drain it, it was leaking through the O.P. site dressing and Terence's clothing-- a trip to radiology for a CT scan,  some kind of sino-something (I've lost track of what kind of 'grams')-
and another replacement by-pass in the left kidney- which would be tube #3/but by-pass #4 (since February).

So here we wait. It's pretty important. He only has one kidney. My heart has been pounding with anxiety all day.  Terence has been through chemo today and is patiently waiting for the next procedure.  How frustrating. I feel angry for Terence.  In a weird sort of way, I feel like I want to beat cancer up because it's hurting him.  I don't think I've felt this kind of anger towards cancer until today!

"To them that have no might He increases strength." God comes and
takes us out of our sentimentality, and turns our fear and frustration into
 confidence and praise. The only way to know the strength of God is to take
the yoke of Jesus upon us and lean on Him.

It is a positive crime to be weak in God's strength.