March 18, 2011
A miracle every day.
Today Terence feels well enough that he’s out in his shop changing the spark plugs on his truck. Who knows when and why he gets surges of energy and strength.
Earlier this week, he was down for the count; no strength, no energy, and in ‘morphine-land’ because of pain. I am learning to go with this flow and not allow it to upset my emotional well being. For many months prior to this, the heaviness of the of cancer would weigh in on me until I would barely speak during the course of the day. I became quiet and self absorbed (anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a quiet person!). Terence was shocked at the answer to his question, "how do you get through the days of his dark illness without being broken hearted"?
My reply was, “Terence, my heart breaks 86,400 times a day. Every second of every day my heart breaks. But the bible promises me that the Lord heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. So I start every day with that prayer, and every day, I receive a miracle, because every day he heals my heart”.
What a journey. If anyone would have told me 2 years ago that I would need healing for a broken heart every day, I wouldn’t have believed them. Cancer seems so foreboding that it can become overwhelming. It never leaves our side, never letting us forget.
Who’s heart wouldn’t break when watching someone you love wrestle for their life?
Some days I wake up and say to myself, “Crap- I can’t believe we’re having to do this again today”! Other days, I wake up feeling thankful because cancer is teaching us how to be a better people, we’re able to see what’s really important and it’s teaching us about mortality and eternity. But grateful or not, cancer is still here, and either way, my heart is still broken, best case scenario is that I’m grateful for a broken heart!
I also find myself mourning the loss of our old life (“The vibrant days of Terence & Sherry”!). When I look at Terence now, I think how different he looks and say to myself “He’s not supposed to look like this”. And then I think, “This is not our life”.
But it is. It’s what we’re walking out with strength given to us by the Lord. Some days, I get mad. Others I get sad, but all days, nowadays I am thankful. It has been 20 months since they told us he has 18 months. It's been 9 months since they told us he has less than a year. The last 6 months have been almost enjoyable. The last 3 months have been a time of respite.
But his PSA has started rising- again- a sign that the therapy he is on is probably losing it's effectiveness. He has a oncology appointment next Wednesday.
Today I am thinking, “Crap- I hate cancer and I hate what it does to people"
I pray for a cure. I pray for miracles. Every day!
Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength…Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
~Sherry
Mourning for the life you had planned is not to be - a retirement with your honey - both so young not what you had planned - but think of the memories you are making with those goofy kids and grandkids of yours. CRAP I HATE CANCER AND WHAT IT DOES TO PEOPLE!!! - 4 years ago we were prepping for Paris Brest Paris a 750 mile ride - now I look back at how lucky I was to have had him in my life even if for such a short time.
ReplyDeleteI know that perspective didn't come easy Amy. It's very true, thanks for reminding us.
ReplyDeleteAre you still going to ride? I've watched you pick up your pieces and stand in awe of your strength in moving ahead.