Hello, Joy

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Ps 94:19

I've dealt with a great amount of anxiety since Terence's initial (terminal) diagnoses in 2009.

 In fact, our new normal was learning how to live above the effects of a devastating report. 

For 36 months I cried out to the Lord for peace  and strength while I watched the effects of cancer devastate my husband's body. We prayed. We believed. And he got sicker and he died.

I don't have the answers as to why. I may never find out. Frankly, I haven't spent much time asking...my energy has been spent trying to heal. His death took so much from me and all I want is to find strength and joy again.

The Lord carried me through those 38 agonizing months.  There were days I curled up in a fetal position crying out to God "I can't do this!." And right there on the floor in the middle of the living room, the Lord gave me a simple promise: He would strengthen me according to His word.  And He did. Day by day- sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute as evidenced in pages and pages of this  journal. I suffered greatly.  But He gave me the strength to endure and overcome.

But my anxiety level peaked as Terence slipped away telling me, "I'm sorry, but I have to go....."

Joy? No. I have not been experiencing joy. I haven't even prayed for it!  All I was doing was crying, asking the Lord to sustain me on a daily basis. 'Be the lifter of my head', I would beg him (I can't lift it myself!). That had been the only prayer I've been able to squeak out of this mealy mouth.

38 months: 2 simple prayers.  "Lord strengthen me according to your word" and "Be the Lifter of my head".

In His faithfulness the Lord did strengthen me. I've walked through this nightmare sometimes dazed, but  strengthened by a sovereign God.  And because the pain of losing your best friend and lover is so great,  I begged that He would lift my head- I just want to get over the devastating pain and be able to hope again.

Surprise of all surprises- little by little He began to lift my head....in doing so, I realized that joy was present!  Hmm. I began to think that joy is the by-product of hope (the lifting of our heads).  

Wow. The Lord is so good. In facing the holidays and my birthday there were some natural tendencies toward anxiety because they are my 'firsts' without T. But I promise you, the Lord has answered all prayers we've sent up in that He is truly sustaining me and has lifted my head. From the fullness of his grace I have received one blessing after another (Jn 1:16). 

As I opened my eyes this morning I was awakened by the peace of the Lord, without thinking I slipped my wedding ring off my finger.... another huge step surrounded with His peace. Wow. I'm speechless. Unless you've been there, you will never understand the pain something like this could bring. 

I am still mourning, 
but I am dancing too. 

I am still sad. 
 But there is joy too. 

I don't understand 
this miracle-

But I am grateful for it!

~Sherry

His absence is still what I come home to

I would give anything to have Terence lay beside me in bed again.                                                                                                        I have to be honest, my last post was great; it was all about me learning how to convert my relationship with Terence from being a relationship of  "presence" to a relationship of memories.                                                                                                                  Well surprise!  I'm not there yet!  I need a hug from him right now more than anything.  I'm facing the most tragic moments in my life without the one person who can physically comfort me.  Pictures are bringing no comfort at the moment. 

This yearning for Terence is too painful.  It's so.......acute. There's no other way to describe it.  No matter how busy I make myself, his absence is still what I come home to. How, how, how does one ever get used to that?

Do I accept my Terence's death?  I know he's gone.  Sometimes I cry "come back, I need you" .  Then I say, "I know you can't, but I want you to anyway."  It's my protest against a very big reality.  I was with Terence when he died, at home, in a hospital bed in our bedroom, in my arms.  He's definitely gone.  

I can only think of one thing.  I need to find comfort elsewhere:    

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Ps 147:3

                                                        Thank you Lord.

 

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/20-encouraging-bible-verses-for-the-brokenhearted/#ixzz2CiuyhwW0

I don't remember days, I remember moments.

I don't remember days, I remember moments. 
A lot of our 'moments' were captured on film during the course of our cancer journey.  In grief recovery class, we've been transitioning (for several weeks now) into 'Letting go'. 
They say death ends a life, not a relationship.  So I'm learning how to convert my relationship with Terence from one of presence to one of memory.  So you can see where  the photo journal I kept would be important in my healing.  But the pictures have been hard to look at.

We first started this exercise three weeks ago.  He were asked to use photographs, videos or letters to tell our story.  At first I was excited because I've photo-journaled our entire story from the beginning.

But as I started filtering through pictures, I  found I wasn't ready to look at his 'sick' pictures.  It was overwhelmingly sad for me.  Which meant, I couldn't tell the complete story without those.
So I took my time.

The initial goal in telling my story is to help me identify and understand my grief emotions and work through the grief process instead of going around it.  As I said earlier I couldn't do it at first.  When I began to fashion my inner story (pictorially) it carried me right into the heart of pain.

 I've pretty much avoided Terence's videos and most photos
(especially the 'sick' pics) thinking that circumventing these memories would be better for me.

My biggest question has been 'what kind of relationship do I have with Terence now....?'

 Reflecting the significance of our relationship through videos, pictures, journals and
converting them into legacies are examples of a different form of a continued, 
but different relationship with Terence. 

 The process of beginning to embrace my memories began with embracing
 these memorials (pictures) and offers me the opportunity to affirm the
 value of his life that was lived.

Telling my stories is a part of my healing.  If our world had no stories, we would have no history.
The story of my life with Terence, our fight against cancer, our families struggles and victories will become my new relationship with Terence.  In my mind I hold a conversation, see the sights and hear the sounds, the details surrounding our life.  Each time the story is told it removes one small bit of hurt from inside with me and eases my pain.
 I am learning to cope with the fact that Terence is gone by visiting our memories.
 I am pursuing a new relationship with him.

I am told that this is a slow and painful process that occurs in small steps.  The video I created here would take me an hour or so under normal circumstances, but it took me three weeks to put together. A lot of tears accompanied those three weeks. 
Slowly, these images are becoming precious memories. 
Slowly. Slowly.
And I will begin to embrace these memories as a part of my healing
in a continued, but changed relationship with Terence.